Anxiety

It Shoots Up Through Stony Ground (U2) I’ve often thought that many lyricists are our modern-day poets. In years gone by I was often beset by excruciating, and at times soul destroying….cycles of anxiety and depression. The kind that has you running and hiding (hiding under beds and running to other states – of place and of mind). If you’ve experienced either of these conditions then I don’t need to explain further, it’s sometimes quite a painful thing to try to explain that which is, ultimately, unable to be explained. The inability at that moment to manage the vagaries of life, the point at which overwhelm sets in. Most of us experience it, what is more important however, is what we do when we find ourselves in that place. I remember my 42nd birthday… one of a few that I have had in my life (what is it about birthdays?)… where I am just not able to look the world in the eye. On this particular morning I was lost, wanting to hide, and just stay under the covers. I literally could not get out of bed, despite the fact that I was in a fairly good position at the time (to some anyway) working as a sales rep for a pharmaceutical company (hahaha), a beautiful son, and a partner who loved me – all good, right? Except No. Just no. I had lost myself from an existential perspective… I had lost myself from an existential perspective. I was living in a way that was not reflective of my true self, and in so doing, I had placed myself in the wrong environment, and surrounded myself with the wrong social group. Let me say though, part of my depression was that I had placed myself in the right and wrong situations on many many occasions prior to that. As capable as I was, my anxiety would slowly unravel the situation, slowly unpick the person I had set myself up to be. I was now heading toward a sizeable list of something like 30+ jobs… and it begs the question, what is the true cost of Anxiety? But that’s another story. So on that beautiful November morning when I was unable to move my mind or my heart, my 11-year-old son walked into the room with a small hand-made card – not pretty – but just perfect on that morning, as he had made it himself. On this card he had drawn (in lead pencil) a flower growing out of rock base – and then he said the words of a song he knew I played a lot at that time… ‘the heart is like a bloom, it shoots up through stony ground’ The words are of course from U2’s gorgeous song ‘It’s a Beautiful Day’. My son’s not silly (for all of his attempts to make me think he is), and he knew it was a favourite. I still wonder though, how he found his way to those two lines… on that morning?  Whatever it was, the idea helped me find some courage in my heart, and I was able to see my way out of the darkness that had descended. Working as a sales rep in those days I was on the road a lot, and as I would drive around the music I listened to in the car would inspire me, lift me, and encourage me. This has really been the way of things for most of my life… music has been my saving grace, and I recall that Edgar Cayce once said that… ‘music should be a part of every soul’s journey’ if they were to progress.’ So here’s to those great muso’s that really do light our paths along the way! My coffee table dream book At some point along the journey, I started to make a list of songs with the hope of one day creating a beautiful and visually inspiring coffee table book. My vision was to take the song (words + music), and give to someone who was experiencing (or had experienced) a ‘dark night of the soul’ – and ask them to listen with their heart, and then interpret the song visually. How do you imagine these words, these ideas? What emotions and ideas do they invoke in the deepest part of you? Then to lay the visual art piece side by side with the words in a gorgeous sleek and colourful book, that someone could pick up and sit with, contemplating each word, each image and each note – as an inspiration to healing. I have developed quite a list over the years, and I hope one day to create a history of words and music that inspire us to look for beauty, to see one another with compassionate eyes, and to dance! to laugh… or to simply ‘just keep going’. Some are magnificent. Some are gentle. All are healing. So here’s to those that really do light our paths along the way – it had to be their intention – so if we ever meet – the drinks are on me! #givetheguruabourbon #musicforthesoul #So(u)lution Therapy